Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Here We Go Again...

I had an awesome first week!...well, let's say it was a good first week.  I worked out almost every day...I read a whole book about women and food...I ate pretty good for the most part...took my vitamins...refrained from some of my other vices.  I even started eating in the kitchen per the suggestion of Geneen Roth.  Everything was going pretty good.

Then I got together with friends...each time I decided that it would be okay if I indulged.  Not a crazy amount...but I was definitely more relaxed than I had been in the earlier part of the week. Whether it was wine or food, indulging led to more indulging.  And by Sunday night, my fiance and I were back at Taco Bell.

Today is day four of no exercise...and I feel like I'm slipping back into that nasty cycle.  I don't know how to do in between.  I don't know how to do this healthy thing without it feeling SO HARD!  I am so frustrated...AGAIN.  I don't really know what to say about this.  I'm trying to decide if I'm depressed because I can't seem to get it together...or if I can't get it together because I'm depressed.

I want it so bad.  I want to be healthy and get my work done and spend my money wisely and live in a clean, cute house and go out with a group of friends and plan my wedding...and I just want everything to be perfect.

BUT at the same time, I want to stop wanting so much...I need to be happy with who I am right now.  I need to learn to love myself and not this false idea of who I want to be (I think that it might be time to rethink the title of this blog).  I do not know how to do this.

Anyway, I think that this entry is all over the place.  One positive thing is that I am down to 136.0.  I'm not sure if it was menstrual weight or what.  But I am a little closer to my goal.  I hope to lose 6.0 lbs by the end of this month.

 Sunday night's dinner (minus the meat)...shameful!!!


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