Monday, May 31, 2010

Women, Food, and God: Chapter Two

Chapter Two:  Ending the War

Let's see...what did I get out of this chapter?  Well, she talked about how there is a generation of women who either grew up without religion (like myself) or who grew up with religion that only amounted to going to church on holidays with Grandma.  Roth states that the combination of the inefficiency of dieting along with this lack of religion and spirituality causes women to dislike themselves...causing an obsession with fixing themselves.  Women often believe that fixing their weight will somehow fix their problems. the chapter said a lot more than that...and when she wrote it it was a lot more eloquent, but nobody's reading this and I get the point. 

I think that I have foolishly thought this at times.  As ridiculous as it sounds, I have thought if only I were thin...or my face was clear...or my hair was long...or I did this or I did that...I would be happy.  It sounds so superficial and crazy typing it now.  If I could wear this, life would be good.  Really!?!?

Roth believes that ending the war with food is about getting in touch with who you really are and welcoming what we want to avoid and run away from.  She explains that compulsive eating is our attempt to avoid what is missing in our lives. 

So, I guess my next step is to figure out who I am...and what I am trying to avoid?  Those are some pretty big questions...

UPDATE:  Finished the book in a day.  Didn't get anything too revolutionary out of it.  Listen to when you're hungry.  Don't eat when you're distracted.  Take the time to taste the food.  Yadda, yadda, yadda.  It was not life changing for me.  But it did make me understand a little more about how this weight loss thing is more a mental game then a physical one.  Your body can do's truly "getting it" in your head that becomes the hard part.  Anyway, I want to know how other people (other than Oprah) feel about this book.  Maybe, I'll go to Amazon and read some reviews.

Women, Food, and God: The Prologue & Chapter One

Prologue...check.  Chapter One...check.  I just finished the first chapter of Women, Food, and God.  I actually wanted to keep reading, but I knew that I had to go ahead and write about what I've read in order to fully process everything. 

So far, the book has been an easy read.  Geneen Roth seems like a casual, insightful, and relatable person.  Not just because she curses in the prologue...but because I can really relate to her views about God.  I can relate to her periods of question...but knowledge that something is truly out there that is bigger than us.  So, I like her...and I think that is somewhat important when reading a book.  I have struggled to get through A New Earth and The Power of Now, and it may just be that Eckhart Tolle does not seem casual and relatable (he definitely seems insightful).  Anyway, I am looking forward to hearing what Ms. Roth has to say in her book.

At first, the prologue had me a little skeptical.  She writes about all of these women with these major issues in their lives or from their childhoods.  As I read, I kept thinking, I don't have that excuse...I did not grow up with fighting parents...or feeling ugly...or even issues with my weight.  I was having a hard time relating to how my life and my history related to how and what I eat. 

But then she wrote about paying attention.  Paying attention to how you behave when you don't get what you want or things don't go your way.  She said that I need to pay attention to what I value, how and on what I spend my time, my money...and of course, how I eat.  This paragraph made me think.  I don't know what it made me think...but it made me think.  It made me think that she may be on to something.  All of those things mentioned are things that I have issue with in my life.  What do I value?  What is truly important?  Clothes and material things?  People?  Why do I feel the need to always be right?  Why do I feel heat rising internally when I don't get my way or when things go wrong?  Why do I feel such despair?  Why do I spend, when I know that I desperately need to save?  And why am I drawn to foods that I know will not make me feel good in the long run?  Why do I feel that I need to satiate my cravings or I will not be unhappy or I will be unsatisfied in life?  Though I don't know what all this means for me and food, I do know that it made me think.  Which is good.

It also got me thinking about my huge fear of losing people in my life...specifically my mother and my fiance.  I know that my anxiety over death is because I lost my father at seventeen.  And though, I think that I mourned appropriately, I think that I have this unnatural fear and/or anxiety about losing the people that I love most. Anyway, I don't know what that means either or how it connects to anything, but I do think that it is important to get it out and think about it.  So, I am.

Okay, off to read chapter two.  I'll report back later.

DAY ONE (Take two)

I have my mom's computer, but I still wasn't able to make my cute little weight and measurements chart.  I guess there is some trick to inserting a table that I don't know about.  Anyway, you get the point.  It's funny my weight actually went down a whole pound since yesterday when I had that horrible food hangover. 

WEIGHT:  138.4
FAT (%):  28.6
HYDRATION (%):  49.9
BMI:  27.0 (overweight)

BUST:  36.25"
WAIST:  31.75"
HIPS:  40.25"
R. THIGH:  22"
L. THIGH:  22.25"
R. BICEP:  11.25"
L. BICEP:  11.25"

I will be weighing in and taking measurements weekly.  It may be hard not to get on the scale during the's such a habit.  I also think that it puts so much pressure on weigh in day.  If that scale doesn't move...that can be super depressing.  Hopefully, that won't be too much of an issue:)

Working Through the "Itchies"

One problem that I've always had whenever I start exercising again is the damn "itchies."  The itchies are that horrible feeling that comes over your skin on the first and sometimes the second day that you start doing cardio.  The worst part about the itchies is that if you scratch them...they itch more, and you can't stop scratching.  It is an absolutely horrible feeling. 

I just googled the itchies and I found that the itching assosiated with running, especially in people who are not fit or just starting to exercise, is caused by the capillaries that supply blood to your skin. The capillaries contract (or dilate) and the nerves near them sense it and send a signal to your brain that is interpreted as an itch.

Whatever it is, it sucks!!  Luckily, it only lasts those first couple of times when you start working out.  Today, I had a horrible case of the itchies.  But I knew if I scratched, it would be all over!  So, I worked through them.  I kept pushing myself on.  It felt pretty good!  AND it will feel even better when my stupid capillaries no longer contract and/or dilate and I can do cardio without feeling an uncontrollable need to scratch myself.  Anyway, today, I worked through my itchies!!!  Yay!!

Couch to 10K

I did it!!!  I did my first day of Couch to 10K and I feel really good!  It was actually pretty easy.  After each 30 second run, I felt like I could keep going.  Maybe I'm not as out of shape as I thought that I was.  Forty minutes...239 calories burned...2.42 miles.  Not bad for the first day. 

It was actually kind of fun.  AND I got to catch up on my Biggest Loser episodes.  I was walkin' and a runnin' and a cryin'.  It was great! 

It was actually so great that I've decided to do Couch to 5K every other day.  So, I will do Couch to 10K on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays...and I will do Couch to 5K on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays.  I hope that I'm not being overly ambitious.  As I was running, the idea came to me.  I think that it will be an awesome way to get my cardio in.  If it becomes too much, I'll stop the Couch to 5K...but for now, IT'S ON!!!  WOOHOO!  DAY ONE!

 Here's what the app looks like on my phone.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

I'm Glad That I Don't Really Have a Following

I would just like to say that I am really glad that no one really reads anything that I post...because if they did they might be a bit disappointed with me.  Cheating on Day One?!?!  Really?!  How bad is that? 

It started with the pretzels.  I got so hungry while at my mom's house that I grabbed a bag of pretzels.  Knowing that I had already cheated for the day, the next logical thing to do was to get in the car and head to Red Lobster, right?  Well, one glass of white wine, a fourth of a Caesar salad, one cheese biscuit, a serving of mashed potatoes (with that creamy lobster sauce) and six fried shrimp later, I am full.  Not super full...I won't be having a food hangover tomorrow.  I'm just full enough not to need anything else to eat for the night...well, except a half of a Mrs. Field's cookie sandwich. (God, reading this's no wonder I'm overweight). 

So, today has been a failure.  I'm a little disappointed in myself...but I still think that I can do this.  I'm going to do my first workout in months tomorrow.  I am going to start Day One of the Couch to 10K program.  Hopefully that will help jump start things a bit.  I also need to stick to my meal plan (now that we have food in the house)...what's the point of typing it out if I'm not going to follow it, right? Oh! I am also going to read chapter one of Women, Food, and God by Geneen Roth.  I'm going to try to write a reflection of chapter one when I'm done. 

P.S. They are building a Whole Foods ten to fifteen away from my house...this will be the first one on my side of town.  I truly believe that this is a sign!  Day One, Part I come!!!!

Feeling Weak...'s the problem.  It's 2:33 pm and all I've had is a banana...and I'm feeling weak.  Weak for Red Lobster.  Weak for one more last day of yumminess.  Who starts anything on a Sunday anyway!??!  Right?! 

What to do?  What to do?  Lesson of today:  Don't skip meals!

On a side note, look at what happened when we went to Red Lobster and my fiance and I switched my (non-drinking) mom's Arnold Palmer with his Long Island Iced Tea.

The Red Lobster Switcheroo

Day One-Food Hangover

Well, day one couldn't have come any sooner. I got on the scale this morning and was shocked by what it said. Eating whatever and whenever I wanted for the past...oh, four months, has definitely caught up with me. I am at an all time high...4.2 pounds over my "get worried" weight...0.8 pounds away from my "I will not weigh this much until I am pregnant" weight. Wow!

I think that I may have gained at least two pounds yesterday. Really! I think that I may have eaten 7,000 calories in one day (okay, after writing it out that seems high...but the scale was about two pounds less yesterday) I'm ashamed of everything that I ate in this 24 hour timespan. But, in the spirit of full disclosure, I'm going to put it out there. Oh God, here goes: light popcorn with melted margarine and salt (would have been somewhat healthy if I didn't feel the need to pour on extra fat), graham crackers with peanut butter, two spring rolls (both a decent size), an entire dish of Pad See U (I am sure the dish was meant to serve four...maybe two...I don't know, definitely too much for one person), a bite-sized Kit Kat (2 small sticks), another bite-sized Kit Kat broken up on top of graham crackers with peanut butter. much food! I woke up this morning still full. I actually don't think that I've woken up hungry in weeks.

Okay, so Day One is here! I don't feel that great feeling of motivation. I feel like today will have to be a day of detox. No "whites"...easing myself into this whole healthy foods thing. I'm definitely not craving unhealthy foods. I'm not craving anything. I'm full and gassy and bloated and ashamed. I have no real energy...and I woke up with a dull headache (for the second morning in a row). I want to remember this feeling. I want to remember how crappy it feels to be unhealthy. I think they would call this a "food hangover."

So, let's talk numbers. If my computer hadn't just gotten it's second stupid virus in two freakin' weeks, I would be putting this on a cute little graph. But since I will be writing entries using my big old thumb on my itty bitty iPhone for awhile, I had to forego any cuteness (and spell check) and settle for what I've got. (Sorry for the tangent but I'm really upset about my laptop and I felt the need to add that in there). Okay...numbers. Today, the scale read 139.2 lbs, 28.8% of fat, and 49.8% hydration. I'm not really sure what the hydration rate really means...but it's never been that low. But I do know what the other two numbers are...and they have not been that high in years. 140 pounds on my 5'0" frame is not a good look for me. My BMI (which I don't have handy right now) would say that I'm 5 lbs from being at the high end of a normal weight for my height. Right now I am officially overweight. I may need to change my weight loss goal to 25 lbs. I'll play it by ear for now.

So, the first step is to go to the grocery store. I typed up a two week meal plan and a grocery list yesterday (before my computer died) and I need to find some energy to actually get up and go. Grocery shopping is probably one of the most important practices for becoming "that girl" for me. I actually think "that girl" stops at the grocery store every couple of nights to pick up a few things...this way everything is fresh. I'm so not "that girl." It's not that I dislike grocery shopping, it just becomes monotonous week after week. Hopefully, I can get everything that I need for the next two weeks and I will only have to go twice a month...very doable. So, I'm about to fight the urge to turn on the TV and I'm headed to Kroger (no Whole Foods steps).

P.S. Sorry about the lack of pictures. If I was doing this right, I would include a nice, big, ole fat picture of me. Chunky thighs, big hips, meaty arms, cellulite, etc. But I'm not there yet as far as blogging. I'm not ready to unveil my "jiggly parts" for the world to see. Maybe at a later date...when they are not so jiggly. I WILL try to include measurements a little later though. Okay, I've really gotta go before I just sit back here and get caught up in a Law and Order SVU marathon. To Kroger...

LOL...Binge Barbie

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Pescatarian vs. Vegetarian vs. Vegan

Okay, so one of my goals is to be a healthy pescatarian.  What's a pescatarian you may ask?  It's a vegetarian who eats fish.  Though it's sounds made up, it's real...really.  I read it in a health magazine, so it has to be real:)  When people ask, I don't really call myself a pescatarian...I usually just tell them that I don't eat meat.  Which is usually followed by, "So, you're a vegetarian?"...which I usually follow with "No, I eat seafood."  I have found that vegetarians and vegans get very upset if you call yourself a vegetarian and you still eat animals...even ones that swim.  This is a definite veggie no-no.  I have been a pescatarian since 2006.  My then boyfriend/now fiance was a strict vegetarian and I thought that it would be easier for meal planning if I joined him.  Only problem, I was not giving up my seafood!  Funny thing was, HE started craving meat in 2008 or 2009 and we both had a meat relapse for about a year (only eating chicken and seafood).  I got back on the pescatarian wagon in January 2010.  He plans to stop eating meat when we start this healthy living kick tomorrow.

Anyway, I could never be a vegetarian because I love seafood too much.  I couldn't live without crab (specifically, Maryland Blue Crabs), shrimp, and scallops!  Oh!...and I love good fish and chips, too.  YUM!  As for being vegan...couldn't do that either.  My love for cheese is something fierce.  Nope, couldn't do it...nope, nope, nope.  Even though I do realize that if I were to cut out dairy, I would be a lot closer to my health goals a lot sooner...but it's just not something that I would ever want to deny myself.  No mozzarella on my 4-cheese Mexican on my provolone on my veggie sub!?!?!  No way!  So, I guess I will continue to eat moderation, of course.

The Day Before

So, I'm not really sure why I'm starting a blog. I'm hoping that it could possibly help me with this weight loss thing. You could say that I am trying to lose weight for my wedding in December. You could say that I am trying to lose so that my clothes will fit again...or you could say that I'm trying to lose because I don't want to end up being fat for the rest of my life.

But really, I honestly just want to be a healthy person. I want to be that girl that can leave food on her plate when she leaves the restaurant...or someone who eats fruit as a snack or loves vegetables...I want to be the girl who can pass on dessert...the girl who exercises daily and practices yoga regularly. I want to be someone that knows the best foods for my body...and make conscious decisions to only puts those foods in her mouth. I want to shop at Whole Foods, damnit!! I want to be "that girl."

So, what is stopping me? Well, let's see...I had Taco Bell last night (which is actually rare for me...I don't have a huge urge for fast food) It's usually Chinese and pizza that are my downfall. I recently found this great Thai place by my school and I am now addicted to Pad See U...which I have ordered three times in the past three weeks! I really enjoy eating...and I think that I have taken it on as part of my identity. I'm the girl who always makes jokes about being a good eater...or being a part of the "clean plate club." It's like the classic case of someone eating to fill a void. I might not be able to afford a cute dress or a new car, but I can afford sushi at Rusan's or nachos at Willy's...and I relish in the temporary happiness that it gives me.

Sometimes, I think that I just might be too lazy to be "that girl." Whenever I try, it lasts for about six months or so. It is usually six months of me being anally regimented about my diet and exercise. I journal what I eat...track my weight...exercise health blogs, health mags, and health books...until I don't anymore. Then I fall back into eating whatever I want and sleeping in instead of working out. It is all or nothing with me. I'm frustrated and I'm starting to feel like I am doomed to yo-yo like this for the rest of my life. I am the "thick" girl who knows how to lose weight but just can't seem to maintain it.

So, I have decided to start a blog. Nothing else has, why not? I don't think that I expect that people will read it. I just need an outlet...something to keep me accountable. I will be starting tomorrow (hence the title "The Day Before")...and yes, I will be eating any and everything that I want today. I know this is not what I am supposed to do...but hey, CLEARLY I am not perfect. So, one last day of yumminess.

I have set the following goals for the next two weeks:
  • no more white foods (flour, sugar, potatoes, rice, pasta, etc.)
  • no fried foods
  • no desserts
  • no coffee
  • take multivitamin daily
  • drink 110 oz. of water daily
This time, I will find some kind of balance. No more all or nothing. I will begin this grand journey to becoming "that girl"...tomorrow:)