It's a process...

My last post was sad and defeating.  Since then, I have been on a downward spiral.  I think that I can honestly say that I have eaten out or food from a restaurant every day since the last week in June.  No lie.  This habit has been expensive and has been detrimental to my waistline.

I don't know how it all started.  Last April, I decided to give up alcohol, sugar, and desserts for Lent.  It resulted in about a ten pound weight loss in about eight weeks or so.  So, the end of the school year came and it was supposed to be Operation Yoga.  I had bought all these Living Social and Groupon coupons...I was off from teaching...I was running...I was so ready to hit this workout thing hard. 

Then, I went into dissertation hibernation.  Four or so weeks of getting up...reading...writing...get up...read...write...get up...you get the point.  Absolutely miserable.  It sucked the life out of me.  I wanted to spend my summer in downward dog and here I was sitting on my couch being miserable.  But in the end, I turned in my chapter (I was trying to get three done...but one was all I could muster up).

And then there was the honeymoon.  Seven days of drinking and eating and drinking and eating and drinking and...again, you get the point. 

Coming back off of that I was ALL downhill.  The Border, A.J.'s, Great Wall, Red Lobster, Mazzy's...repeat.  If it was bad for me...I'd order it.  It went against everything that I have been trying to do for the past two or three years.

One good thing that happened in this time is that I quit smoking...for good.  At times, I would blame my bottomless appetite on this.  But after awhile, I couldn't blame my gluttony on my lack of cigarettes. 

The ten pounds came back slowly...especially considering how much I was eating.  I am officially back to where I was last April.  Each Monday that came, I literally said that I was starting over.  I was THAT girl.  The "I'm Starting on Monday" girl...how cliche is that?!?!

But Monday would come and by Tuesday, I would be sitting across from my husband looking at a waitress and ordering a glass of Reisling with something fried.

Part of the problem is that I had a really stressful start to the school year.  The beginning of the year is always hard, but this has been unprecedented.

Another problem (or at least I think it is a problem) is that I have trying to go against personality type.  I've been trying to take a more laid back approach.  I was still planning out meal, but I didn't want to count calories or step on the scale every week.  I wanted to be more balanced. 

When I stepped into the fitting room at the Gap last weekend, I realized balanced hasn't been working for me.  I am Type A...and my Type A personality has helped me be successful in weight loss in the past...so I decided today that it was time to look at the things that made me successful in the past and bring them back.

1.  Tracking calories.  First it was selfdietclub.com...then it was sparkpeople.com.  I don't know what it is, but counting calories works for me.  It's super time consuming and I would annoyingly track EVERYTHING that I put in my mouth, but it did work.

2.  Planning my meals.  I never stopped planning my meals...even over the past three months of eating out.  I just didn't follow the meal plan.  It ended up with lots of wasted food (and more money down the drain).  I've gotten better at preparing meals on Sunday and packing lunch each day...I just need to get better at making dinner in the evening.  That seems to be where I'm going wrong.

3.  Exercise.  This has been the thing that I have beat myself up most about.  In the past three months, I have probably worked out maybe ten times.  It makes me feel really bad...especially when I remember how good exercise makes me feel.  A co-worker now goes to hot yoga all the time...without me.  And one of my friends just started running and has been doing a whole bunch of 5Ks...without me.  The co-workers that I used to work out with after school have started working out again...without me.  I need to start moving.  I've been making a workout schedule for the past couple of weeks...I just haven't been following it...kind of like the food thing.  Anyway, I need to work out and I need to track my workouts. 

4.  Guidelines.  I work better with guidelines.  No whites...no caffeine...no desserts.  I need guidelines to follow to keep me on track.  Last Sunday, I told myself that I would eat none of the above things on Sundays through Thursdays...I had a drink in my hand and nachos in my belly by Wednesday night.  This is week two of guidelines...actually, I guess I should just call it week one...

5.  Weigh ins.  I have a love/hate relationship with weigh ins.  I'm a weekly weigh in girl...I like to see my progress on a graph or a chart.  I like to see that what I have been doing shows on the scale.  BUT with that said, that last weigh in REALLY got me off track...and it has been damn near impossible to get back on track again.  I am still undecided about weigh ins...but I do know they have worked in the past.

6.  All things blogs.  That includes blogging and bloggers.  I pretty much quit blogging and following all of my healthy living blogs cold turkey after that last weigh in.  I would check in on a couple of my favorites every now and then, but for the most part, I didn't think there was any reason to read them because I wasn't living that life style.  It just made me sad.  Why do I want to read about someone running 5 miles after work while my fat ass is sitting on the couch.  But as I've written before, I think that it is somewhat inspirational...it's the if "they" can do it I can do it kinda thing.  I might do a little blog stalking this week to help get me motivated.

And that's about it.  Those have been the six things that have helped me lose weight in the past.  And honestly, in the past, it wasn't all about losing weight...it was about living healthy.  Maybe that's where I've gone wrong.  Since my focus has been on losing weight...I feel panicked and overwhelmed by it.  As oppose to healthy living, that just something that is.  You did it for yourself...for your body...for motivation...and for confidence (and so that you can fit into your clothes).  So, with that being said, I've decided to leave out number 5...no weigh ins.  Not weekly at least.  I'll weigh myself tomorrow...and then I'll weigh myself again in a month.

Writing this has helped me feel a little motivated.  It's cathartic in a way.  Admitting my dirty little dining out secret...and realizing that stress has brought a lot of this on.  AND realizing that I have only been off of the wagon for three months (Its felt like a lifetime).  Anyway,  I have felt like I have become closer to being back on track in the past couple of weeks.  I need to remember that this whole thing is a process...

Welcome back to my calorie-counting, exercising, healthy living, blog following, meal planning, conscious living self...you've been missed:)

Over it

WARNING:  This is not going to be a positive, feel-good post!

I just need to vent for a second.  Everything, I mean, EVERYTHING seemed to suck right now.

I am totally over trying to lose weight.  I worked out more than I have in months this past week and the result was a one pound weight gain!  I know that I could be building muscle and all...but I am so over it.  I'm tired of constantly thinking about food and exercise.  I'm tired of reading about everyone else exercising for amazing amounts of time at ridiculous paces.  I'm just tired of trying and not getting the results that I am striving for.  It's exhausting and stressful.  I am eating exactly what I should be eating...I am exercising as much as I possibly can...and I'm just tired.

I want to just give up.  I mean...I don't want to go crazy and eat with reckless abandon or anything (though I did decide to have tortilla chips and salsa as my morning snack)...I just want to stop thinking about it.  I want to not worry about the results and the process...I just want to live and see what happens.  It sounds so simple...but my type A doesn't let me live that care free. 

Now, let's move on to my dissertation.  I am so sick of getting up every morning and reading these stupid books and taking notes and not feeling like I have made any progress.  This "paper" seems so overwhelming and I feel like I am doing it on a topic that was not my interest (but my advisors) without much guidance or help (except for my wonderful Damian).  I want to be outside going to festivals...I want to be working out...I want to be watching mind-numbing TV...and cleaning my house...and painting my family room...and cleaning out my gym...I want to be selling all the junk in my house and de-cluttering my life. 

But instead, I am sitting on my couch reading about crap that I don't plan to use in the future.  Stressing over a deadline that I have to meet or else I will NEVER get done with this program.  I wanted summer to come so badly, but after one week, I am miserable.  I told my co-worker the other day that I would rather be teaching than on summer break right now (which in the teaching world is a huge statement). 

Then there is money.  My husband is a student and I am the main bread winner for the family.  It's a topic that I don't talk about a lot...for fear of judgment from my friends and family.  Though we definitely get by and have been blessed to live in a house with a very affordable mortgage, I sometimes get so frustrated about when we will actually have excess money to do things...like fix up the house...go shopping for things we want not just things we need...buy a new car...landscape the yard...replace the deck...finish the upstairs bathroom...all things that are not an emergency...but things that I desperately want to do and have wanted to do for a long time. 

I know that I should be happy with my life...my weight...my dissertation...my financial situation.  None of these things are in dire peril.  I'm just tired of "wanting."  It is so stressful to always want.  I don't know how to just be appreciative for what I have...I struggle with being patient...I don't know what it feels like to just be content.  I am always wanting...wanting and waiting.  It's just not fun.

I ordered a book this morning called Bringing Your Yoga to Life:  The Every Day Practice of Enlightened Living.  I plan to read it on my honeymoon (which is in exactly four weeks).  I think...or at least I'm hoping that it is what I need to bring me some peace. 

In the past, I have found that books on yoga philosophy (not just ones on asanas, but actual daily practice in life) help me to focus better on what is truly important.  I thoroughly enjoyed Happy Yoga, enLIGHTened, and Living Your Yoga.  I find these books so much better than self-help books.  The yoga philosophy speaks to me...centers me...enlightens me.   I don't enjoy the yoga books that are too heavy.  I enjoy the ones that are lighter...that inject a little humor every now and then (Steve Ross does this a lot...I love him and I still desperately miss INHALE). 

 Anyway, Bringing Your Yoga to Life got a lot of good reviews.  Hopefully, it will help. 

Well, enough bitching and tears for my Sunday morning.  I actually feel kind of better after writing (which is giving me second thoughts about ending this blog...something that I often contemplate).  As long as it is positive and helpful, I guess I will keep it around.

Back to my dissertation hell...

carla

Countdown

I am feeling not so good today.

Work sucks...everything sucks.

I am counting down the days until I no longer have to wake up, go to work...and deal with my students who are just as ready to leave as I am.  I am REALLY counting down until one particular "cutie" becomes somebody else's problem goes on to first grade (this one has actually had me seriously contemplating a career change or at least a grade change)...

I am counting down until I no longer have to see my stressed out beloved co-workers who no longer want to be there either (I really do love them dearly for 191 days a year)...

I am counting down the days until I can work on my dissertation without interruption (I must start so that I can finish.  The stress looming over my head is beginning to become unbearable AND if I hear one more person ask "When are you going to be finished?" I may just "stab them in the clavicle")...

I am counting down the days until I can plan for next school year (I CANNOT and WILL NOT spend another year in survival mode)...

I am counting down the days until I can focus on my weight loss...go to hot yoga three times a week, take a spinning class or two and run freely inside or out, morning or afternoon...

I am counting down the days until I no longer have a bed time and do not need to set my alarm clock...

I am counting down the days until I have the energy to clean my house and do my laundry...

I am counting down the days until I can watch Regis and Kelly, The View, The Doctors and General Hospital...go to Trader Joe's and T.J. Maxx during the day...get my eyebrows done at 10 am...and generally pretend that I am a housewife...

I am counting down the days until I can actually check things off of my to do list...

I am counting down the days until I can park my truck and no longer put $120 into its huge-mungus tank once a week...

I am counting down the days until I can work on my front and back yard...dig in the soil...and clean off and re-stain my deplorable junk yard deck...

I am counting down the days until I can wear yoga pants and a sports bra every day...

I am counting down the days until I do not feel like having a drink every day at 4 pm...

I am counting down the days until I can finish decorating my bedroom (I have not had hardware on my drawers in over six months.  Hardware is essential for opening drawers.  Very annoying)...

I am counting down the days until I can read my magazines (Women's Health, O, Whole Living, Fitness, Shape, and Self...I miss you)...

I am counting down the days until bootcamp is over (The novelty has definitely worn off. I actually skipped it today because I am so super tired, stressed, and borderline depressed.  I changed into my workout clothes and everything, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it)...

I am counting down the days until I can clean out my inboxes and hard drives...

I am counting down the days until I can just say NO and quit (my unhealthy habit has turned me into nothing but a hypocritical, oxymoron)...

I am counting down the days until I no longer have to do my hair every day and/or night (twisting sucks!!)...

I am counting down the days until my honeymoon (Viva Mexico!!!)...

I am counting down the days until my husband and I can hang out, be lazy, and spend some QUALITY time together (preferably on the couch)...

I am counting down the days until I can read my healthy living blogs and write my own blog guilt-free without worrying about the million and one other things that I really should be doing...

Sixteen days and counting...

Weigh In

Okay...so let me start with all of the excuses.

1.  I just got back into town after traveling for a quick 48 hour trip....hence my body is all off.
2.  While I was on vacation, I ate like I was on vacation.
3.  There was one day that I actually ate 3200 calories...THAT IS ALMOST A POUND!
4.  I only exercised one day this week.
5.  I haven't had a really good BM in a couple of days.
6.  Can I blame TOM for one more week?

Date	Weight	Body Fat (%)	Hyd (%)	BMI	Weight Loss
05/31/10	138.4	28.6	49.9	27.0	-
06/13/10	137.2	28.2	50.2	26.8	-1.2
06/28/10	133.8	27.4	50.8	26.1	-3.4
07/05/10	133.8	27.2	50.9	26.1	-0.0
07/12/10	130.6	26.2	51.6	25.6	-3.2
07/19/10	131.0	26.2	51.6	25.6	+0.4
07/26/10	129.2	25.6	52.0	25.2	-1.8
09/06/10	124.2	24.0	53.2	24.1	-5.0
02/07/11	134.0	26.5	51.4	26.2	+9.8
02/19/11	134.0	26.7	51.3	26.2	-0.0
02/27/11	133.0	26.7	51.3	26.0	-1.0
03/07/11	135.0	-	-	26.4	+2.0
03/13/11	133.0	-	-	26.0	-2.0
03/20/11	133.0	-	-	26.0	-0.0
03/27/11	132.0	-	-	25.8	-1.0
04/03/11	131.0	-	-	25.6	-1.0
04/10/11	128.0	25.1	52.2	25.0	-3.0
04/17/11	128.0	25.1	52.2	25.0	-0.0
04/24/11	128.6	25.2	52.2	25.1	+0.6

I'm pretty sad that I actually GAINED over half of a pound.  Actually, I am VERY sad!  But I guess when I look at everything that I just wrote it does make sense.  BUT honestly, I felt like I didn't do that bad...even on the day that I ate 3200 calories...I feel like it could have been so much worse (the wedding that I went to was a buffet with limited vegetarian options).  The open bar is where I went wrong...very, very, very wrong.

One other reason that it was really disappointing was that I have started to take that African Mango stuff that was recommended by Dr. Oz for weight loss.  I mean, it's only been four days (AND I did forget to take it on a couple of afternoons) but I have been secretly (and stupidly) hoping for miracles.  Oh well...I'm going to continue to take it and see what happens.

OK...let's cheer me up.  I can still be happy that:

1.  I can still fit into the size 4 pants that I bought and I'm actually going to be returning the 6's.
2.  I'm still under 130.
3.  I tracked calories the whole time that I was gone AND I was really conscious of what I was eating (clearly not as conscious about what I was drinking...)
4.  I've agreed to run two more 5K's in the next two months.
5.  I feel like I am back on track...I feel more determined than ever to continue losing.  It's a new week and I'm going to go hard!!!

So, that's my weekly stupid weigh in.  May is coming and I have one more weigh in before the scale returns to the top of the closet for a month.  I have kind of mixed feeling about the whole thing...but I think in the end it will be positive...as long as I see some kind of loss.  I think that I will weigh in again on May 1...six more days.

TOM does it again:(

I had nightmares last night about the scale.  I kept dreaming that I was trying to weigh myself in the middle of a dinner with my friends from work.  The scale looked more like an adult-sized baby swing...and it kept telling me that I weighed 130something.  I kept getting on the scale to see if it was a mistake.  This may be a sign that it is time to let go of the scale and/or the weekly weigh ins.

Anyway, this week looks a whole lot like last week.

Date	Weight	Body Fat (%)	Hyd (%)	BMI	Weight Loss
05/31/10	138.4	28.6	49.9	27.0	-
06/13/10	137.2	28.2	50.2	26.8	-1.2
06/28/10	133.8	27.4	50.8	26.1	-3.4
07/05/10	133.8	27.2	50.9	26.1	-0.0
07/12/10	130.6	26.2	51.6	25.6	-3.2
07/19/10	131.0	26.2	51.6	25.6	+0.4
07/26/10	129.2	25.6	52.0	25.2	-1.8
09/06/10	124.2	24.0	53.2	24.1	-5.0
02/07/11	134.0	26.5	51.4	26.2	+9.8
02/19/11	134.0	26.7	51.3	26.2	-0.0
02/27/11	133.0	26.7	51.3	26.0	-1.0
03/07/11	135.0	-	-	26.4	+2.0
03/13/11	133.0	-	-	26.0	-2.0
03/20/11	133.0	-	-	26.0	-0.0
03/27/11	132.0	-	-	25.8	-1.0
04/03/11	131.0	-	-	25.6	-1.0
04/10/11	128.0	25.1	52.2	25.0	-3.0
04/17/11	128.0	25.1	52.2	25.0	-0.0

 

The only thing that makes me feel okay is that this is the week that TOM is coming.  And if you look at last month this time, there was no weight loss during that time either.  I need to read more on TOM and how he affects weight loss.

So, I am definitely disappointed.  It was a hard week of workouts...running, jumping, squatting, 5Ks...but what can you do?  I think that I will ditch the scale for the next month.  We'll see how that effects my Saturday night sleeping.  OR maybe I will not weigh in for a month.  BUT TOM will always come around mid-month, so I don't necessarily want to weigh in at this time.  Maybe I will just weigh in at the first of every month.  I will start with May 1st.  So my scale will be around for another 2 weeks and then it'll be banished back to the top of the closet.