Over it

WARNING:  This is not going to be a positive, feel-good post!

I just need to vent for a second.  Everything, I mean, EVERYTHING seemed to suck right now.

I am totally over trying to lose weight.  I worked out more than I have in months this past week and the result was a one pound weight gain!  I know that I could be building muscle and all...but I am so over it.  I'm tired of constantly thinking about food and exercise.  I'm tired of reading about everyone else exercising for amazing amounts of time at ridiculous paces.  I'm just tired of trying and not getting the results that I am striving for.  It's exhausting and stressful.  I am eating exactly what I should be eating...I am exercising as much as I possibly can...and I'm just tired.

I want to just give up.  I mean...I don't want to go crazy and eat with reckless abandon or anything (though I did decide to have tortilla chips and salsa as my morning snack)...I just want to stop thinking about it.  I want to not worry about the results and the process...I just want to live and see what happens.  It sounds so simple...but my type A doesn't let me live that care free. 

Now, let's move on to my dissertation.  I am so sick of getting up every morning and reading these stupid books and taking notes and not feeling like I have made any progress.  This "paper" seems so overwhelming and I feel like I am doing it on a topic that was not my interest (but my advisors) without much guidance or help (except for my wonderful Damian).  I want to be outside going to festivals...I want to be working out...I want to be watching mind-numbing TV...and cleaning my house...and painting my family room...and cleaning out my gym...I want to be selling all the junk in my house and de-cluttering my life. 

But instead, I am sitting on my couch reading about crap that I don't plan to use in the future.  Stressing over a deadline that I have to meet or else I will NEVER get done with this program.  I wanted summer to come so badly, but after one week, I am miserable.  I told my co-worker the other day that I would rather be teaching than on summer break right now (which in the teaching world is a huge statement). 

Then there is money.  My husband is a student and I am the main bread winner for the family.  It's a topic that I don't talk about a lot...for fear of judgment from my friends and family.  Though we definitely get by and have been blessed to live in a house with a very affordable mortgage, I sometimes get so frustrated about when we will actually have excess money to do things...like fix up the house...go shopping for things we want not just things we need...buy a new car...landscape the yard...replace the deck...finish the upstairs bathroom...all things that are not an emergency...but things that I desperately want to do and have wanted to do for a long time. 

I know that I should be happy with my life...my weight...my dissertation...my financial situation.  None of these things are in dire peril.  I'm just tired of "wanting."  It is so stressful to always want.  I don't know how to just be appreciative for what I have...I struggle with being patient...I don't know what it feels like to just be content.  I am always wanting...wanting and waiting.  It's just not fun.

I ordered a book this morning called Bringing Your Yoga to Life:  The Every Day Practice of Enlightened Living.  I plan to read it on my honeymoon (which is in exactly four weeks).  I think...or at least I'm hoping that it is what I need to bring me some peace. 

In the past, I have found that books on yoga philosophy (not just ones on asanas, but actual daily practice in life) help me to focus better on what is truly important.  I thoroughly enjoyed Happy Yoga, enLIGHTened, and Living Your Yoga.  I find these books so much better than self-help books.  The yoga philosophy speaks to me...centers me...enlightens me.   I don't enjoy the yoga books that are too heavy.  I enjoy the ones that are lighter...that inject a little humor every now and then (Steve Ross does this a lot...I love him and I still desperately miss INHALE). 

 Anyway, Bringing Your Yoga to Life got a lot of good reviews.  Hopefully, it will help. 

Well, enough bitching and tears for my Sunday morning.  I actually feel kind of better after writing (which is giving me second thoughts about ending this blog...something that I often contemplate).  As long as it is positive and helpful, I guess I will keep it around.

Back to my dissertation hell...

carla

Dissertation Update

So, I've got one day left.  One day of spring break...one day to finish my overview. 

Thankfully, I've gotten a lot done this week.  As far as the overview is concerned, I wrote up:  my research design (minus the part about coding), participants, the setting, and the purpose of the study.  I also finished my definition table...which is still a little rough, but I think it will due for Monday.

I still need to complete:  the background of the study and my coding portion of the research design...in my overview....my data source table and bibliography.  I've also want to put in a little blurb about my theoretical perspective.  It may seem like a lot, but i think that the background will be the hardest part. 

I'm really proud of everything that I've done.  Though on paper it doesn't seem like a lot...I can honestly say I have such a better understanding of my study and research in general after this week.  So, yay for me!

Usually, I dread meeting with my advisor...it gives me the shakes and makes me sweat.  I'm always so nervous that she will realize that the emperor has no clothes.  But I am actually excited about our next meeting...excited to hear what she has to say and excited about my next step.

This week has made me realize how much I have to do this summer.  This dissertation thing is really huge.  I kicked myself a couple of times for not getting on the ball sooner.  I missed some opportunities in terms of possible studies...but it's okay.  I am comfortable with what I am doing...as long as I get the okay from my advisor...and IRB.

Okay...that's it.  I need to decompress, but I don't know how.  I can't drink (can't risk the hangover)...don't feel like working out...can't eat a big old dessert (like I would like to do)...don't really know what I should do.  I guess my husband can come out of hiding (he's been in the bedroom the whole week).  Here's to a good week...

Lazy, Lazy Day

This is where I have sat ALL DAY LONG!

Is it possible that I still have a headache from two glasses of wine that I drank almost 24 hours ago? My head has ached all day...I haven't felt like doing a thing but sit on the couch. And so I've sat...through all my mindless morning talk shows...through the news, All My Children, Rachel Ray, and Oprah. So lazy.

I DID manage to do a good working design for my study. I feel like things are coming together. I feel like I'm starting (slowly) to know what I'm talking about. Tomorrow will be critical though (I said that about today too). I need to put a dent in my overview tomorrow...so that I can just do my finishing touches over the weekend.

God, my head hurts!

So, I haven't felt like doing anything but eat. I keep sneaking to the kitchen to try a little of this and a little of that. The hummus appetizer that we ate last night keeps calling me. It sucks cause I KNOW that I'm not hungry...I don't feel stressed really either. I know that I need to get my work done...but I'm not to that stressful point where you want to cry. Not yet at least.

Do you see the little bits of white there on the side?  Garlic feta...AMAZING!!

And of course, you can't have hummus without pita chips.  They were cold and hard...but I still ate them.  And yes, they were good!

And I still haven't worked out. I planned to do C210K today...57 minutes...about 4 miles. But who wants to work out when you've got a pounding headache. The not working out and the eating is just adding to this lingering feeling of guilt that is sitting inside of my head right next to my headache.

I need to take some ibuprofen...and a nap...and maybe I should read my blogs. Maybe that'll make me feel better.

My brain is fried...

I feel like I want to cry.  I spent a good 5 or 6 hours on dissertation stuff, but I don't feel like I have even made a dent in my work.  I'm happy that I that I've gotten started, but I still have SO much to do.  I'm trying not to feel overwhelmed.  I want to do more, but I am at that point that I cannot think anymore.  

I need to try to be proud of myself for getting started.  I'm still kicking myself for not starting yesterday like I was supposed to.  I'm also worried about it I am really understanding everything that I am taking notes on.  I'll definitely have to go back and re-read all of the notes that I have taken today...I may even need to take notes in the little notes column.

Tomorrow, I may need to refrain from reading the whole article and just skim for definitions.  If I continue to read and take notes on the entire article, I won't be able to finish everything for this week.  The purpose was not to read for my lit review, but to make a definition table.  I need to keep reminding myself of that.  
I had an idea to take my notes, print them out...then put them on notecards.  I will put the citation on a label on the back of the notecard.  Hopefully, that will help me stay organized while I'm writing.  

SO MUCH TO READ...

I need to just breathe.

I still need to run/walk (first day of 2:30 each)...I'm kind of scared.   I think that I am supposed to run for 67 minutes too.  Yikes!  I need to just go upstairs and put on my workout clothes so that I can get motivated. (Why do I just wanted to catch up on my blogs and read my InStyle?)

I've had a munchy day.  I should have never bought those stupid veggie chips!  I guess that I'm munching more cause I'm stressed...and I'm working in the kitchen.  (I'm not going to get into how I wish that I had an office...)

Anyway, maybe if I read a blog or two it'll motivate me to work out.  We'll see.

Two days down...seven more to go.

Dissertation Procrastination Ends Today!!!!

Dissertation procrastination ends today. I have a lot to turn in to my advisor in one week. It's time to get crackin'. I've been procrastinating for over a year now and it's time to get started...so that I can get finished.


Today, I plan to work on my disposition definition table. I'm going to go through all of my articles and my books to find different definition of disposition. I'm doing this so that I can come up with a working definition of disposition. 

I was supposed to start about four hours ago...but I got sidetracked with the new blog. I'm excited about getting started...but I'm such a procrastinator. I guess I've got to log off the blog first. Keeping my fingers crossed for a productive day...