It's a process...

My last post was sad and defeating.  Since then, I have been on a downward spiral.  I think that I can honestly say that I have eaten out or food from a restaurant every day since the last week in June.  No lie.  This habit has been expensive and has been detrimental to my waistline.

I don't know how it all started.  Last April, I decided to give up alcohol, sugar, and desserts for Lent.  It resulted in about a ten pound weight loss in about eight weeks or so.  So, the end of the school year came and it was supposed to be Operation Yoga.  I had bought all these Living Social and Groupon coupons...I was off from teaching...I was running...I was so ready to hit this workout thing hard. 

Then, I went into dissertation hibernation.  Four or so weeks of getting up...reading...writing...get up...read...write...get up...you get the point.  Absolutely miserable.  It sucked the life out of me.  I wanted to spend my summer in downward dog and here I was sitting on my couch being miserable.  But in the end, I turned in my chapter (I was trying to get three done...but one was all I could muster up).

And then there was the honeymoon.  Seven days of drinking and eating and drinking and eating and drinking and...again, you get the point. 

Coming back off of that I was ALL downhill.  The Border, A.J.'s, Great Wall, Red Lobster, Mazzy's...repeat.  If it was bad for me...I'd order it.  It went against everything that I have been trying to do for the past two or three years.

One good thing that happened in this time is that I quit smoking...for good.  At times, I would blame my bottomless appetite on this.  But after awhile, I couldn't blame my gluttony on my lack of cigarettes. 

The ten pounds came back slowly...especially considering how much I was eating.  I am officially back to where I was last April.  Each Monday that came, I literally said that I was starting over.  I was THAT girl.  The "I'm Starting on Monday" girl...how cliche is that?!?!

But Monday would come and by Tuesday, I would be sitting across from my husband looking at a waitress and ordering a glass of Reisling with something fried.

Part of the problem is that I had a really stressful start to the school year.  The beginning of the year is always hard, but this has been unprecedented.

Another problem (or at least I think it is a problem) is that I have trying to go against personality type.  I've been trying to take a more laid back approach.  I was still planning out meal, but I didn't want to count calories or step on the scale every week.  I wanted to be more balanced. 

When I stepped into the fitting room at the Gap last weekend, I realized balanced hasn't been working for me.  I am Type A...and my Type A personality has helped me be successful in weight loss in the past...so I decided today that it was time to look at the things that made me successful in the past and bring them back.

1.  Tracking calories.  First it was selfdietclub.com...then it was sparkpeople.com.  I don't know what it is, but counting calories works for me.  It's super time consuming and I would annoyingly track EVERYTHING that I put in my mouth, but it did work.

2.  Planning my meals.  I never stopped planning my meals...even over the past three months of eating out.  I just didn't follow the meal plan.  It ended up with lots of wasted food (and more money down the drain).  I've gotten better at preparing meals on Sunday and packing lunch each day...I just need to get better at making dinner in the evening.  That seems to be where I'm going wrong.

3.  Exercise.  This has been the thing that I have beat myself up most about.  In the past three months, I have probably worked out maybe ten times.  It makes me feel really bad...especially when I remember how good exercise makes me feel.  A co-worker now goes to hot yoga all the time...without me.  And one of my friends just started running and has been doing a whole bunch of 5Ks...without me.  The co-workers that I used to work out with after school have started working out again...without me.  I need to start moving.  I've been making a workout schedule for the past couple of weeks...I just haven't been following it...kind of like the food thing.  Anyway, I need to work out and I need to track my workouts. 

4.  Guidelines.  I work better with guidelines.  No whites...no caffeine...no desserts.  I need guidelines to follow to keep me on track.  Last Sunday, I told myself that I would eat none of the above things on Sundays through Thursdays...I had a drink in my hand and nachos in my belly by Wednesday night.  This is week two of guidelines...actually, I guess I should just call it week one...

5.  Weigh ins.  I have a love/hate relationship with weigh ins.  I'm a weekly weigh in girl...I like to see my progress on a graph or a chart.  I like to see that what I have been doing shows on the scale.  BUT with that said, that last weigh in REALLY got me off track...and it has been damn near impossible to get back on track again.  I am still undecided about weigh ins...but I do know they have worked in the past.

6.  All things blogs.  That includes blogging and bloggers.  I pretty much quit blogging and following all of my healthy living blogs cold turkey after that last weigh in.  I would check in on a couple of my favorites every now and then, but for the most part, I didn't think there was any reason to read them because I wasn't living that life style.  It just made me sad.  Why do I want to read about someone running 5 miles after work while my fat ass is sitting on the couch.  But as I've written before, I think that it is somewhat inspirational...it's the if "they" can do it I can do it kinda thing.  I might do a little blog stalking this week to help get me motivated.

And that's about it.  Those have been the six things that have helped me lose weight in the past.  And honestly, in the past, it wasn't all about losing weight...it was about living healthy.  Maybe that's where I've gone wrong.  Since my focus has been on losing weight...I feel panicked and overwhelmed by it.  As oppose to healthy living, that just something that is.  You did it for yourself...for your body...for motivation...and for confidence (and so that you can fit into your clothes).  So, with that being said, I've decided to leave out number 5...no weigh ins.  Not weekly at least.  I'll weigh myself tomorrow...and then I'll weigh myself again in a month.

Writing this has helped me feel a little motivated.  It's cathartic in a way.  Admitting my dirty little dining out secret...and realizing that stress has brought a lot of this on.  AND realizing that I have only been off of the wagon for three months (Its felt like a lifetime).  Anyway,  I have felt like I have become closer to being back on track in the past couple of weeks.  I need to remember that this whole thing is a process...

Welcome back to my calorie-counting, exercising, healthy living, blog following, meal planning, conscious living self...you've been missed:)